the day b-4 the day b-4 50.......re-thinking, and 2 much thinking

so this is really running down to a denouement quickly....sort of like an end to a really bad book, with no real climax, no real excitment, and kinda safe....but in a couple of days, 50....and a new year and all that entails...

i did most of my new years resolution lists back in september...didn't do a lot of good, as a matter of fact, nothin' i put on that list of things to change, things to do, and whatever, well, let's just say it was a list of wishes, and if wishes were...well, whatever...but talk about pressure now...50 years have gone by, it's new years day, and what the hell is there to look forward to?

the only thing i really hope for, is that i learn exactly what being 50 is all about?..

...and what is it, i mean, how do i act 50??...do i suddenly become more mature (yeah, i know, i've got a long way to go!)...do start dressing different?...and is this the begiining of a count down to an end..yeah i know, i can retire in 5 years...but then what??..

i know i want to keep doing some of the things i'm doing now (runnin' bikin' swimmin' and writin') but is now the time to get serious, or to just have fun...and planning now, wow, the future is either right now, or has gotten a lot closer, and quicker in arriving....

oh well, i've used this blog things for a lot of things, but maybe its time to use it to plot this march after 50...maybe the next 50 days?..years?.....how to stay fit after 50, or sane?...i don't know, but yeah this stuff is scarey, i can see why a lot of people have been totally freaked out by this 50 thing, because frankly, i am....i'll keep you posted

“A young man's ambition is to get along in the world and make a place for himself-half your life goes that way, till you're 45 or 50. Then, if you're lucky, you make terms with life, you get released.”
Robert Penn Warren quotes

2008 over...look out 2009, i f'n 50!

mid life crisis come on down!!!.....i'm old! older then dirt, a well aged wine, or whine, something that should have been traded in for a new-er model long ago. My overdue, return before date has long since passed, and this old thing definitely makes me feel like a fish outa water, lost at sea, out of sorts, and well, just lost a lot...lost, lots?

anyway, if 50 is anything like 49, i guess i should be okay, but dammit, this being old, looking old, feeling old sucks. And yeah, i'll say it, i am depressed!...I didn't think i would be, but yeah, up until i definitely used to believe that you were as old as you felt, but i feel, well old. I really noticed it while xmas shopping at west-ed mall this christmas. Just the looks us old people get. Where i felt comfortable, where i didn't.....i no longer feel at home, i feel like the old man, the dad, the token old guy........i know, think of the positive stuff, but it's hard to be positive when, well, life's pretty much done...A mid life crisis? now i know how a horse feels when becoming glue is the only option....there are no positives in this ...none...being in a new age group, qualifying for grey power insurance, nothin'......remember being in high school and always thinking the older girls/women always looked so hot....well they're now in their 60s and 70s...and, well, i'm friggin' 50!..and yeah i am gonna be grumpy about it...it's a wonderful life!!!, yeah rite,more like, take me to the crematorium and get me ready....i've gotta start picking out quotes, my favorite song, some way to define my life, when life's over....it's too late baby to re-define it, it's too late to make changes...this is what i am, this is where i am, there's only being a grumpy old man to look forward to...at least the women had/have shirley valentine as a guiding post, us old guys have a choice of alice cooper still grinding out 'i'm 18'...or george burns with ' i wish i was 18 again!"...and yeah, i do want to go back and start over again at 18 again....but NO!!!!

don't tell me i don't look or act my age....i don't know how the f to do that, and i do look 50...every cell, every line on my face, every joint that's starting to find it's way to arthritis and everytime my back aches and i hunch over every time i get out of a chair.....and there's nothin' new....when i run the resolution run on thursday, i'll be doing it as an old man..i am the old man...i'll be the old guy dressing sensibly, i'll be the guy at the brunch looking for the seniors menu....i'll be the guy driving slowly in the passing lane, cause i've been passed, life has passed me buy, and at 50, catching up will no longer be an option......i'm even older then classic rock radio.....

and there's no hand book, there's no life coach for this crap.......so, this is it....bitch, bitch, bitch...that's what i've got to look forward too.....and i'm old!..dammit, how'd that happen!?

l

found on the back of a picture

i was going some old shoe boxes full of old-er photog's and found this one...yeah, it's from the top of the world trade centre in nyc, taken in march 2001...sorta cool, a cool memory......but even cooler, i flipped it over and found a list i'd written.....a list of writers, books, and stuff i guess...so i guess both sides are a point in time captured...none-digitally

- milton acorn

- leonard cohen - let us compare mythologies

-Robert graves - the white goddess

-Northrop Frye

-double Persephone

-Nietzsche

-AL purdy

- the king must die

i Claudius

-Julian

-Jung - symbols of transformation

edible women - Margret Atwood

seven pillars of wisdom - Lawrence

a wreird but interesting list.....

still searching for the clarke

okay, this is the old guitar and i'm no closer to finding it...nothin' on ebay, nothin' in goggle....

i know is old it in vancouver along with my princeton amp (has anyone seen what that amp is worth now!!!...i let mine go for i thing one hundred bucks!!).....

oh well, still searching....it's gotta be collecting dust in someone's basement or something somewhere!

a okay, but not great week..but i'm trying!!!!

don't know what gives, maybe it's the season, the snow and cold, the still sore and aching hamstring..the fact that now it's both of them, or what, but i still feel like i'm stuck in 1st gear!
had 3 great training days this week...ran, swam, spun the bike, did weights...but spent 2 days roaming around the house killing time, the clock, and wondering why it's such a chore to get my ass out the door.....but the runs were great!!...i really need to keep that part of my routine intact..as soon as i get my vehicle into the kinsmen parking lot, i know i'm gonna have a good day..and the river valley has been looking awesome..the cold, the little bit of snow and the occational blue sky makes running worth it...and whether it's in the valley, or through some of the neighbourhoods, across the hi level bridge, through the trails, it's all that makes life living..think this week just to change things up i've gotta take the mtn bike through the snow at least once......i haven't been out to yoga this week, and i missed this morning's spin class, so i'll have to add that to yet another busy busy week (christmas yeah!!!)
found a few old buds on facebook this week, names from my music and writing past..and man, do i ever miss that era...i started digging out old articles, old CDs and man that was a good time...listening to babe gurr, katherine wheatley, ron nelson and the courage of lassie, eric's trip, dobb and dumela, memory day, the wyrd sisters, and everyone else...the 90's on the west coast and across canada ruled at the time..and it's sorta cool to remember being a part of it...know i can't go back, but with retirement and old age looming, maybe i can make an effort to get back...maybe

anyway, christmas is coming, christmas break for the kids, training is gonna be harsh..have no idea how i'm gonna squeeze anything in...put it'll be good practice for spring break and training when the kids get out of school in july and august before ironman...am gonna have to become a genius at scheduling!!!

w